I'm Confident, I have hope in Jesus

God will make a way,
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way, He will make a way.
By a roadway in the wilderness, He'll lead me
And rivers in the desert will I see
Heaven and earth will fade
But His Word will still remain
He will do something new today.

God will make a way,
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way, He will make a way.

"God will make a way, where there seems to be no way. He works in ways we cannot see, He will make a way for me."
I sang this during what felt like every second of the day during the most darkest time of my life. My heart beat to the rhythm of the assurance that this cry of hope resonates.

As I wrapped up writing my last full paragraph of my history paper, the thought of my dad hit me hard and I wanted to think about him tonight, and by wanting to think about him, I mean having a session with my memory of my dad, God, and myself to see how God has been using my dad and the life that he lived to bring glory to Himself through me. I began by going back to my secret xanga I made right when I came back on campus after my dad's funeral. I read through all the entries. I remember feeling utterly hopeless during that time, but I was shocked to read just how low I was. But amidst the dark entries, there was an entry that glimmered with hope, it was entitled "God will make a way," and I just posted the song lyrics above. Then a rush of memories flooded my mind of when I was alone in my room questioning the point of life, when I was on the phone with my mom so angry at her and my family for having turned out the way we were, when I thought about friends and felt so distant and alien to them almost like we were never really friends before, when everything in life, especially relationships, seemed beyond useless...in the center of these depressing memories, I remember that I could not throw away God. I remember that even though, in my rage and sadness of the me and my family's circumstances at the time when all I wanted to do was to turn a cold shoulder to everyone -especially God- and everything as an act of vindicating everything that they had happen to me and my family's life, I knew that the unchangeable reality was that I couldn't run away from God, I couldn't tell Him that I didn't believe in Him. Looking back it's even more clear to me, and I remember how I felt in my heart back then in the moment and I know I felt the same way - I always knew that God would make a way, even though my thoughts, actions, words that came out of my mouth even said otherwise and even defiled that fact. God has blessed me with an impenetrable sense of hope and confidence in Him that has been growing since the day I started to consider what Jesus did for me second semester freshman year.

Cast not away your confidence, which hath great recompense of reward.
Hebrews 10:35

Oh my God, thank you for never ceasing to pursue after me.

And tonight as I reflect on God, my dad, and myself, God is reminding me of the profound mercies he pours into my life. Tonight God wants me to acknowledge and sink into the great truth that it is because of God and His amazing mercies that my life stays in tact, that my salvation is assured from one second of the day to the next. I can do nothing apart from Him.

It's important to God for me to do this as often as I can. Sometimes I self-induce the moment because I "just" miss my dad. I know there is nothing wrong with missing appa, but when I don't rely on the Spirit during that moment when I am missing him, and in general whenever I rely on anything else but the Spirit in any situation, the situation doesn't bring glory to God and it ultimately ends up being detrimental to my spiritual, emotional, and even physical condition. But thank goodness in other times, when the Spirit is leading me in my thoughts and emotions and memories of dad, I feel such a fullness of life as I dwell over the death of my father, because it is in those times when I come close to truly surrendering everything to God when He reminds me that although the physical body of my father departed this earth, my father's spirit lives on eternally. How can I explain the love that I still feel so strongly of my father's love for me even though I can't see him at home anymore or talk to him on the phone while he's at the cleaners anymore? I believe and I know for sure it's this eternal life that Jesus Christ promises me.