Where would I be without you God?

Today so many incredible, incredible, incredible happened, and all I could think about is but wonder, God, where would I be without you? Over and over and over again, I couldn't ask it enough times. The more I did, the question became a statement, and then a fact, a truthful reality in my life. God, Oh my God, where would I be without you? God where would I be with you. Where would I be without knowing you? Where would I be without knowing you. Where would I be without you not having given up on me? Where would I be right now? Where would I be right now. It's no point actually thinking about the answer to those questions because there is no such thing as God never being not with me, He's always been there though I didn't recognize him for most of my life and though I ignore Him very often even now. It's strange, but when I say the words "where would I be without you," the farthest feeling I feel from uttering them is an interrogatory or curious feeling even though it is in a question form. When I tell God, Where would I be without You, I feel like I'm crying out to God, with my hands strained and fingers spread out reaching out to God, with my heart lunged forward waiting to burst through my chest in adoration and devotion for God. A quick and unjustified summary of what happened today, but I just want to keep a record to remember forever and to share of course :)

1. A day spent with CHR. I called her in the morning asking her to go to Starbucks with me to do something ready/studying since I wanted to get out of the house and she already started school and had work to to do. I picked her up an hour later, and we went to eat lunch instead, our favorite meal, the half and half combo at Panera. We loved the Greek salad all over again. And we had amazing conversation, always personal, always warm, and always meant to be. We then kept to our promise and went to Starbucks and CHR tried the skinny caffe mocha I fell in love with a couple days ago, she loves it now too. We sat down at our place in the cafe and talked more...this time about resolutions, goals for the semester...we shared and I was inspired by CHR's goals - long term goals as well as ones for this school semester - and I felt so much support from her as she heard mine. Then we turned the conversation, of course, to relationships and boysboysboys. The awkward boys in our lives that we don't know what to do with as well as the amazing one in mine. Lastly, I asked CHR for advice about my course load my last semester at school, about whether I should keep a concentration or not, the pros and cons. We talked for a long time, but we weren't done yet. We had to go to the mall. We went first into the dress section of Bloomingdale's and reminisced over prom our senior year of high school and our perfect dresses and the wonderful time we both had that night. Then we browsed the dresses in front of us and wondered if we would wear pretty dresses in the future...then we walked into the inner section of the mall and checked all our favorite stores. When we were done covering the mall, we got back in my car and CHR asked me if I had more time this semester, if I decided to cut back on my course load, if we could study the Bible together. I don't think I've never felt so honored before in my life. Before we got to CHR's house when I dropped her off, we stopped by Trader Joe's so I could buy flowers for my mom's birthday, they were so beautiful and she loved them.


Once we got to CHR's house, we said hello to her family, and we went upstairs to her room where I love hanging out in, and after CHR reminded me what her prom dress looked like, and tried to convince me that I look ravishing with rosy blush on, I gave her my Utmost for His Highest devotional. Again, I've never felt so honored before in my life to hand her that book. Me and Grace are already committed to following Utmost together this semester and now I have one more person to share the journey with, it's going to be amazing. I can't wait to examine our lives together, seek God for wisdom in everything, strive to apply the Bible in every aspect of our lives, and above all, come to know who Jesus is more and more.



2. I came home and I got a birthday present from my small group and the leadership of remnant christian fellowship at Columbia. I can't write about how I felt/feel because I will cry too much. But this is the email I sent them:

Dear people I love,

I came home today from hanging out with a friend to prepare a birthday dinner for our mom (our entire family has birthdays in January) today, and right when I got home Eric handed me the scrapbook you all made for me. I took a quick glimpse inside before washing my hands to start cutting the onions, and it was over - it felt like I ran head-first into a brick wall of love, love from you all. Bam, OW.

I quickly closed it before it would become all too much to handle as Eric was yelling out commands left and right :)

As I was tending to my first task of cutting the onions into "fine pieces, noona" all I think about was how incredibly, inexplicably thankful I am for each and every one of you all, how I have not done anything to deserve the wonderful friendships I have with all of you, but yet God being so merciful and LOVING allows me and you to enter into a relationship where we can love one another the way Jesus wants us to.

Thank you for the precious scrapbook, I cherish each and every picture, cut-out, and word in it, but more than anything, thank you for reminding me of God's grace particularly during this time of the year when the holidays, birthdays, and the day when my father passed away all overlaps, making it a bittersweet time.

For those of you who don't know, my dad passed away nearly 1 year ago on January 14th which is the day of my brother's birthday. This year on the 14th, Monday, our family will be holding a prayer and a little service at my dad's grave with a pastor who is a close friend of our family's and who was the primary person who took my mom under his wing immediately after our dad's passing while Eric and I were at school. I am looking forward to it but also dreading it at the same time, I don't like to get sad, no one does, but I took my dad's death pretty harshly right after he passed away being at school and God has been healing me tremendously since then especially this past semester, but I am still unable to remain emotionally composed when I talk to my mom about my dad or talk to or pray with pastors about my dad - it makes me get really nervous maybe because it feels so serious and actually very real that my dad is really gone in those situations. I'm not quite sure, but I've realized while I've been at home that that is the condition of my heart related to my dad these days.

However, I know that God is continuing to work in me, healing me, and using my life and everything that's happened in it, all the good and bad, for His glory, and your gift to me will always serve as a reminder of that. In sum, if you don't retain anything from this long-winded speech of mine, I hope you remember that I am forever thankful for reminding me that His grace is enough today on my almost 22nd birthday :)
I wish I could run over and give all you the biggest hug ever a 5'.75" Korean girl could muster.

I seriously, love you all,
Konny

PS. I LOVE YOU [also a pretty good movie]
PSS. Can't wait to see you in a week-ish!!



3. My brother cooking my mom's 55th birthday dinner as well as all the other ways he has been treating my mom this break has made me so proud of him. And so thankful to God for answering a prayer I've been praying for the past two years that my little brother, more than anything in this world, would grow up to be a man of God. And I see his transformation most clearly in his relationship with my mom, my brother loves her and covers her every day now with Christ's love - so selfless, so pure, so deep..it is so apparent that the love that my brother loves my mom with strives to protect, always trust, always hope, always persevere. Every moment I see or think of my brother and his heart for my mom now I'm moved to tears. Again God, thank you.











4. Before we chowed down to the delicious dinner hyunjae prepared, my aunt (my mom's older sister) prayed for the meal. She started to cry during her prayer as she thanked God for her sister (my mom) and for being with her the past year ever-so faithfully since my dad's death. I've never seen my aunt cry before. My aunt also prayed for me and my brother that we would seek God first in our lives. I've never heard my aunt say our names and the name of God in the same sentence before. As she was closing her prayer, I heard a faint noise of the doorbell, and I peeked open my eyes and I saw my mom shedding a few tears but trying to hold back many more. The prayer ended, and I jumped up and went to the front door. It was Mrs. Park, one of my mom's best friends with a basket of birthday pastries for my mom. She ran in, gave me a hug, told me how beautiful me and Eric were, and sat down with us. She insisted that her belly was packed with food (and even showed us) and said she wouldn't eat, but she couldn't refuse once my mom placed a brand new plate in front of her and bragged about my brother's cooking. Mrs. Park's laughter brings life into even the tiniest cracks in the walls of any room. All I could hear during dinner and even now as my mom, my aunt, and Mrs. Park converse about life's joys and pains in the living room with the background music of a yoga tape playing in the background is "WAHAHAHA."




This is joy. Christ's joy. And I am more than ever in awe of it.

-- the end :) --

And where would I be without You, without You?
Where would I be without You?

Mercy new with every day, wrapped up in Your arms of grace.
Nothing more, You're all I need.
Your life is living me.

Like a waterfall - You fill my heart and overflow.
Like a candle flame -You light my way and lead me as I go.

Spirit overflow
Let me overflow

Overflow, Chris Tomlin

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good.
His love endures forever.
Psalm 136