Thank you God

Yesterday was Thanksgiving and I've never felt just so thankful through and through like yesterday's Thanksgiving.
It feels kind of strange and even wrong to feel this way being that this was the first Thanksgiving without my dad. But only in ways that God moves, I felt all the more thankful this Thanksgiving as I reflected on my dad's life.

He loved Thanksgiving because it involved the two things he most about life (besides God of course) - the 2 F's - Family and Foooood. Haha. I would always sit next to my dad because he loved reaching over the table and forcing me to eat food that I didn't want and/or couldn't eat anymore. I thought he was so annoying, and back then I thought I felt annoyed by him because he'd bother me with food, but now I realize I just loved to be loved by him. I was just so incredibly spoiled by his love. I'd tell him that I was full and I couldn't eat any more turkey, but he'd get up from the table, walk over to the over side, and still find and cut me up the best piece and bring it over and plop it on my plate without a word, without expecting any recognition in return, but with a huge grin on his face waiting in such excitement to see me savor the food. He wanted to be oh-so-sneaky with his love because he just loved loving me so much. But he could never be sneaky with me because I'm ten times sneakier than him ;). Maybe I'm just being overly confident, but I think I've seen 99% of all my dad's acts of love towards me. My dad was not a very smooth guy, I know that he was part of the cream of the top socially awkward asian kids among the sea of korean students growing up. He wasn't eloquent or charismatic, and I'm thankful that he wasn't because those things mean nothing. My father was the most shameless person when it came to showing love and that's all that mattered. He never strategized when it came to loving me - he didn't buy me things or remember how old I was (hahah true story every year) or what grade I was in or pretend to act like he was interested in my social life or try to passively or indirectly show me that he loved me - no, he never did anything like that. My dad would never say, "Wow, Haywon, you made good grades, I'm impressed." No. He didn't care about that and he wouldn't ever use another means like grades or other objects in the world to love me, he didn't believe in mere compliments, he just got right to the heart of love every time...he would just say, "I love you, Haywon! Our beautiful daughter Haywon, I love you!" My dad unabashedly, whole-heartedly pursued me with his whole heart every single day of my life until I was 21 until the day he died as he came to my room at 5:30 am every day before going off to work an hour away to tuck me in and pray to God that I would grow up to be a child of faith and love God more than anything and kiss me good morning, my dad would wait for me downstairs every Sunday to tell me as I came down the stairs that I was the most beautiful girl on earth, my dad stood in the front of the church foyer after his service looking for me so that he could hug me and kiss me in front of all his friends and introduce me to them with the biggest smile and glowing eyes me - my dad gave me his whole heart every single day.

But when he was alive I wouldn't stop and think twice about how incredibly lucky I am to be treated so preciously, I always just thought with a wistful sigh, "Oh, that is just appa (dad). That is just what appa does." But now as I live with the hope and anticipation of meeting my dad once again "on that beautiful shore," an immeasurable weight of wonder and thankfulness for my dad's life and the life that God gave to me through my dad sinks to the depths of my soul, and for this reason, now, I live every waking moment of my life to the steady and unshakable beat of, "That was appa. That is what appa did. That was God. That is what God did."

The song is about hypotheticals:
What will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still?
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine

But I feel it now:
I dance for you Jesus and in awe of you I am still.
I stand in your present and to my knees I fall.
I sing hallelujah, but sometimes I'm unable to speak at all.
Jesus you have captured my heart, thank you.

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Something Kaori made for me :)