Going to work

All of us keep believing that maybe things aren't really as bad as we say they are. Maybe there will be a reformer who will come along. Maybe it isn't really truly innate, maybe it isn't systematic and unsalvageable. Then you find out that it isn't salvageable, that it's as brutal and horrible as you ever thought it was. That's hard to live with on a day-to-day basis and still have a life.
- Scott Braley, Activist

I woke up this morning feeling disappointed and quickly frustrated when I couldn't pinpoint the source of it. I looked outside and the weather became the perfect disappointing backdrop - life was just grey and unclear this morning. In my life, these moments are some of the most absolutely frustrating times because I see the effect, but I can't see the cause. Cause and effect, my stubbornly 'rational' and 'logical' mind demands it and spontaneously-indignantly combusts when it doesn't get what it wants. The situation seems unsalvageable. Unsalvageable from inner, personal battle among the forces of incompleteness, guilt, embarrassment, misunderstanding. I give it two more minutes of thought as I roll back my covers and sit upright on my bed. And as I put on my glasses now being able to see the world clearly, it feels utterly, coldly unsalvageable, boy do I feel scared. But the clock is ticking and I have to be at work on time so I make my way to the bathroom to brush my teeth, intensely regretting feeling and thinking this morning, I hate feeling and thinking. I can hear my heart saying, "This is hard to live with on a day-to-day basis and still have life." Something is fundamentally wrong and is need of reformation.

Then on the subway I found a seat. I thought about the Lord. I remember how God has changed me and how he relentlessly continues to do so. I remember the feeling of pure liberation in believing what Jesus Christ came to do for me. Mind-soul-heart connect and I remember the greatest reformer of all time, the only hope of this life. Once again, I feel as if my entire life salvaged and renewed.

2 Corinthians 4: 16-17
Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.
For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.

Thank you Lord for always pursuing me. Thank you for being so abundant and infinitely generous with your love and grace. You hold back nothing good from me. Thank you for pouring all of You in my life unceasingly. I cannot live without You - your love, grace, mercy, all these things and so much more - I need you desperately even in my commute to work. I need you desperately even as I wake up to stand up for another day. God, cleanse my heart and protect it from sin so that I may be renewed in every moment of my life. Lord, be glorified in me - this is my prayer, may it be my only desire.